In the middle of winter

"In the middle of winter I found out that there was an invincible summer within me." Albert Camus

It is not at all easy for me to put all that has happened in texts. So much has happened. Positive, negative, nerve-wracking, emotional, joyful, hopeful.

It's difficult to describe how I felt after the one day that changed everything.

Looking back, I realize that I lived in a kind of vacuum in the days, weeks, months after my accident. In a snow globe. Those cheesy glass dust collectors that pretty much everyone owns. In these snow globes everything is calm, peaceful, innocent, protected - until you shake them...

I was in intensive care for 3 weeks. This time was marked by things that I no longer want to imagine. The feeling of a tube going through your nose and into your lungs, for example. Since the high degree of paraplegia also affects breathing and I can no longer cough properly, the mucus always had to be sucked out of my lungs. Very uncomfortable. I can't recommend anyone. Or the CEPAP breathing exercises. Here you get a mask and have to breathe against a resistance. Unfortunately, I had a panic attack under this mask and felt like I was suffocating. But I couldn't take it off because I couldn't move.

But I can also remember many beautiful moments. The day I was able to raise my arm for the first time and shoot my brother a little teddy bear. I still have the little bear today.
Eat the cherries. Which was really funny. Because I couldn't move my hand up to my head yet, so I tried to catapult the cherries into my mouth with a newly learned throwing technique. Hit rate 1 in 15. The rest of the sweet fruits lay in the bed, underneath and scattered all over the intensive care unit.

Or the one afternoon I was pushed outside for the first time. My whole family was there. There were even rolls and sparkling wine. I was quickly turned into a buffet. The feeling of the sun's rays on my face, the fresh air. Splendid!

Then I was transferred to the rehabilitation center in Bad Häring. I was full of anticipation, but not knowing what to expect there. How I will continue.

6 months this became my new home. With a short break. Because nasty germs have caused a bad inflammation in my throat. There, where weeks before everything had been neatly screwed together. So I had to have another operation. Was in intensive care for another 2 weeks. Wasn't allowed to drink or eat because those nasty germs had eaten a hole in my esophagus. Yes, that was bad, painful and exhausting.

Then back again. Again at the beginning. Due to the involuntary detour to the clinic, I lost the strength I had trained so hard.

Now it was time to train every day. Learn everything new. Was I happy when I was able to brush my teeth myself for the first time. Eat independently. Drink. Switch with the remote control. scratch your nose Makeup. Write. ride a wheelchair. Put on. The moment when, for the first time, I was able to sit up lying flat on my back using a special technique. We've been training for weeks. Until the elbows bled.

All this time during rehab it was quiet in my snow globe. I have never seriously struggled with my fate or felt sad about what had happened to me. I've always been convinced that everything will be fine and that it's not that bad. Was positive, motivated and in good spirits.

I came home 7 months after my accident. And then things got restless in my small ideal world. A snowstorm came up. Reality caught up with me. It wasn't until I got home that I really realized what had actually happened. How dependent and in need of help I suddenly was.

So many things I couldn't do anymore, so many places that became unreachable. I had no more goals. Didn't know what to do with myself and who I really was. I often felt alone, useless and sad. And angry. Was afraid of the future. But I also knew that I allowed these feelings, but that they were not allowed to get the upper hand.

So I started figuring out what my strengths were and what I could still do. I no longer looked to the past or to what was no longer possible. I looked for new tasks, set myself goals.

So I tried out many things during this time and went through a kind of self-discovery process. I studied Buddhism intensively. To appreciate the little things in life, to be at peace with yourself, to find inner peace, to be able to see the beautiful. And I started painting.

Sequel follows!

All the best,

tina

Thinking positive alone is not enough. We need to open ourselves to a view of life where we are at true inner peace with all that is - a view where we focus our entire perception on the beautiful rather than on problems.

It doesn't matter where you are in life and what your initial situation is: Life offers everyone very individual opportunities to lead a completely happy life. But it is also important for you to recognize yourself.

Because you are happiness, radiate happiness and attract happiness!